


careful fear

by crispierchip



Series: i have only two emotions [1]
Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Developing Relationship, First Time, Homophobia, M/M, Unhappy Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-26
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2019-02-07 03:39:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12832527
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crispierchip/pseuds/crispierchip
Summary: Leon likes Connor a lot; too much, probably.





	careful fear

**Author's Note:**

> thank you to everyone who was excited for this fic, and mostly to laura, without who this story wouldn't even have gotten started much less finished. 
> 
> laura had to do an incredible amount of handholding, she talked this out extensively with me and provided all the links and pics that made me want to write this story in the first place. she read through excerpts until i had something concrete, and then forced my comma-loving ass in order once i did. thank you <3
> 
> title from don’t swallow the cap by the national

Leon likes Connor a lot; too much, probably. 

He’s not sure when it starts, can’t pinpoint to it a single, exact moment. It’s more of an accumulation of moments. Connor laughing with the guys, Connor laughing with Leon. 

Connor cracking a quiet joke, Connor smiling, pleased with himself. Connor flushing when someone teases him, Conno flushing when  _ Leon  _ teases him. Connor’s abs and his hair, his arms and his thighs. Just - Connor. 

It’s a lot. It’s only natural that it boils over. 

+

They’re at a club, after a win, and the guys keep giving Connor shit about how he never dances. Connor’s red in the face with it because hates being the center of attention, Leon knows, and he keeps rolling his eyes and huffing, like that will deter their friends at all. 

“McJesus has  got to have some McMoves,” Pat says, a lame joke, and Connor rolls his eyes so hard his head moves with it.

“I really don’t,” he says, but he’s laughing, and Leon is stuck looking at him for too long. 

“Hey,” Kass says, dragging Leon out of it. “Drai can work it,” he goes on, “Maybe he could show you.”

It’s very obviously a joke, but Leon’s had maybe a little too much to drink, and he’s not quite sure that this is a bad idea. “Yeah, Connor,” he starts, “I could show you a thing or two.” He winks,  exaggerated, and the guys closest to Leon and Connor laugh. 

Connor doesn’t. His face is still red, his lips parted, and Leon’s spent so long watching Connor and trying not to be caught, but this is the first time he’s seen Connor looking back. Something flutters in his chest, something that feels a dangerously lot like hope, and Leon doesn’t want to squash it down.

“The girls love it,” he goes on, not that he’d know too much about that. 

Connor keeps looking at him, and Leon swears, it feels like it’s just the two of them, their teammates fading into white noise around them. Then Connor shakes his head, quick like he’s trying to clear it, and Leon puts his drink on the table. He stands up and reaches a hand out to Connor, says, “Well?”

There’s some hollering and laughing, and then Pat is pushing Connor hard enough that he almost falls off the couch. “Go,” he keeps saying, and Connor looks at Leon when he says, “Fine, fine, I’m going.” He takes Leon’s hand and stands up, downs the rest of his drink. 

The guys clap him on the back, and Ryan hands Connor his snapback when he reaches for it. Leon grabs his too, and the two of them make their way downstairs to the dancefloor. Leon holds Connor’s hand and leads him deeper into the crowd, deep enough that they’re getting squashed, pushed together. 

Connor is stiff against Leon, and he looks so much like he's regretting his life choices. Leon laughs a little, takes his hand and drags him closer. Connor stumbles but goes, and then they really  _ are  _ pressed together, chest to groin, and Leon feels so warm. 

There’s a remix playing, something with a heavy bass, and Leon leans in too close to yell, “Like this,” in Connor’s ear. He feels Connor shudder against him, and the tightness in Leon’s stomach grows, until it feels like it’s choking him. 

Leon settles his hands on Connor’s hips, and starts moving with him. It’s slow, and Connor keeps looking around like he’s afraid someone is going to recognize them, even with the snapbacks and the neon lights flickering all over. 

“Relax,” Leon yells. He slots his thigh between Connor’s and feels Connor lean into it, just a little bit, until he’s not holding himself quite as tightly. 

Connor starts moving with the music, hesitant at first and more confident as one remix switches into the next. Leon’s hands are still on his hips, his thigh still between his legs, and it turns filthy pretty soon, turns into something too close to grinding.

People are moving all around them, and Leon moves closer to Connor where there’s no closer to get. Connor’s head is down, and Leon can only make out his lips under the brim of his hat. He leans in, feels the hitch in Connor’s breath, and moves to the side at the last second. 

“There you go,” he says into Connor’s ear, and, “You got it,” and then Connor’s arms are coming up around Leon’s neck and Leon doesn’t think this passes as “sharing moves” anymore. He can’t say he cares. 

Connor moves against Leon and into him, and Leon’s getting sweaty, his shirt sticking to his back with it. He presses harder against Connor with his thigh and feels Connor’s hips stutter, feels where Connor is hard.

“Connor,” he says, and it’s quiet, Connor can’t even hear it. He nods anyway, too many times, wrists warm where they’re resting against the back of Leon’s neck. 

Leon thinks this is a terrible idea, and he has all the arguments to back it up, except none seem relevant right now. Now it’s just Connor, and it’s been that way for a while, but the context is different now, and Leon - he just  _ wants  _ this. 

And it looks like Connor might too, just - maybe. 

+

They end up at Leon’s, where there are no flickering lights or a swamp of people to push them together, and suddenly it’s difficult to take those steps alone. Leon shuts the door behind them and locks it too, before he turns around to look at Connor, at how he’s got his hands shoved in his pockets and is still wearing his snapback, and the fluttery thing in his stomach won’t  _ stop _ . 

“Connor,” Leon says, and it’s too loud, both because of the silence and because Leon is half deaf from the music still. 

Connor looks up though, takes the snapback off and meets Leon’s eyes, and suddenly the few meters between them don't feel like much. Leon crosses the space separating them, slow, and then presses up against Connor, the closest they’ve been since they stepped out of the crowd back at the club. 

Leon reaches up, and he threads his fingers through Connor’s hair, feels Connor’s breath shake. He looks at Connor's lips, how they’re red and a little chapped from the cold, and can’t, for the life of him, look away. Then Connor leans the rest of the way in, and Leon’s eyes flutter shut, his world narrowing down to Connor’s lips against his.

It barely lasts three seconds, and then Connor pulls back. He’s breathing hard, Leon notices, and reaches out to grab Connor's shirt, pull him closer. They kiss again, and it’s harder this time, a little deeper, Connor’s tongue slipping between Leon’s lips. 

Leon lets out a sharp breath through his nose and pulls back, takes Connor’s hand to lead him to the bedroom. Connor follows, lets Leon’s hands wander all over him once they’re there, working on the buttons of his shirt, his belt. His stomach shakes once Leon’s hands make it to his zipper, and then his thighs do too when Leon gets on his knees in front of him. 

“Leon,” he breathes, half of it dying on his lips when Leon wraps a hand around him. 

Leon hasn’t done this a ton but he’s done it enough to know how to make it good for Connor. He licks around the head until Connor’s breathing hard, his hands hovering by Leon’s head, and then he closes his lips around Connor’s dick. He takes him down as far as he can, feels Connor’s thighs start to tremble under his hands, and then pulls back up, takes a breath. 

“You can - ” he tries, and his voice is rough enough that it catches him off guard. “My hair, that’s fine,” he manages, looking up at Connor, and Connor looks so gone. His face is red and his lips bitten, and he’s looking down at Leon, so focused. 

Connor’s hands settle on Leon’s head, light, fingers combing through his hair, and Leon shivers, can’t help it. He’s hard in his slacks, and he wants to touch himself but he wants to do this more so he closes his lips around Connor and moves down as far as he can, until Connor’s fingers are tight in Leon’s hair and Leon’s breathing hard, through his nose. 

“Leon,” Connor keeps saying, and, “Fuck,” and then, “You’re so good,” and Leon’s face is warm, his cheeks burning with it. Leon closes his eyes and lets it wash over him, lets Connor’s hips hitch and push his dick further into Leon’s mouth. 

Connor’s hips start to shake, after a moment, and Leon digs his fingers into the meat of Connor’s thighs, holds him in place while he moves his head. Leon swallows when Connor comes, strokes him through it, and then Connor is pulling him up, kissing him, deep enough that Leon is sure he can taste himself on Leon’s tongue.

“Leon, Jesus,” he says, pulling back, and his eyes are heavy, his fingers still in Leon’s hair. “Let me,” he goes on, and turns them around, has Leon lie back on the bed before he moves between his legs. 

Connor doesn’t bother taking off Leon’s clothes. He unzips Leon’s fly and mouths at him over his briefs, and Leon thinks looking down was ill-advised because Connor looks - he looks so good, between Leon’s legs, working to get him off.

Leon’s leaking, by the time Connor takes him into his mouth, and he can’t help the way his hips jerk, trying to go deeper. “Sorry,” he says breathless, and Connor just smiles. 

“Go for it,” he says, very deliberately takes his arm off Leon’s thigh.

Leon starts off slow, shallow, goes a little deeper when he sees Connor can take it. Connor's mouth is so wet, and warm, and Leon’s dying on the inside. He has to fall back again, at some point, can’t bear to keep watching. He pushes his fingers through Connor’s hair, and presses up into his mouth, and loses it too soon, comes down Connor’s throat. 

Connor keeps sucking him through it, and then he pulls off, moves up Leon’s body again. He holds himself over Leon, and Leon leans up to kiss him, slow, and for the longest time. 

“Is it cool if I sleep here?” Connor asks once they pull back, and his voice is so rough.

Leon gets so stuck on that he forgets how to respond for a moment. Then he shakes himself out of it and says, “Sure,” because Connor is already here.

+

Connor is still there when Leon wakes up. He’s lying in bed next to Leon, mostly under the covers, and he’s messing with his phone. He turns to smile at Leon when he notices Leon is awake, and Leon has a very intense moment where he legitimately freaks out.

He thinks, he’s in bed with Connor, Connor is in his bed, and they slept together last night. They danced in front of the whole  _ team _ , jesus christ, and Leon instigated it. Leon held his hand out for Connor and led him to the goddamn dance floor, and they were wearing snapbacks, as if they were going to hide anything. 

“Hey,” Connor says then, and Leon snaps out of it violently. His head hurts, his eyes burning with it, and Connor McDavid is in his bed.

“Yeah, sorry,” Leon says, because he still needs to appear functional.

Connor is looking at him very carefully. Then his eyes grow wide and scared, and he asks, “Are you - do you remember - ”

“Jesus, Connor, of course I do,” Leon cuts him off, because he was drunk but not that drunk.

“Oh,” Connor says, letting out a breath. “Okay, that’s - okay.”

Leon feels a little bad for scaring him like that, but his heart is thumping in his chest, rapid fire, and he keeps thinking about their teammates, if they - “Did they see us?”

Connor looks at him for a long moment, uncomprehending. 

“The guys,” Leon explains, impatient. He’s naked and the covers feel like a transparent sheet over him. He brings his knees to his chest and wraps his arms around them, curling in on himself. 

“No,” Connor says, and it still sounds like he has no idea why Leon is being like this. “Leon, they didn’t. There were so many people there, we weren’t - no one could see us,” he says, and it’s - his voice is soft, goes and lodges right under Leon’s ribcage. 

Leon takes that in, tries to breathe, and his chest loosens some, his heart slowing down. No one saw them, he thinks, and if Connor isn’t worried then Leon really shouldn't be. 

“Okay?” Connor asks, after a moment. He puts his hand on Leon’s knee, light, and only then does Leon realize how tightly he was holding himself. He tries to relax, and it sort of works, and Connor’s hand feels like a brand through the comforter. 

“Sorry,” Leon says. He feels kind of stupid, now, for freaking out, but Connor brushes it off easily. 

He shrugs, and then meets Leon’s eyes, gives him a shy smile. Leon thinks, he’s got Connor in his bed, just - just Connor, and his heart feels so huge, all of a sudden, like it could break out of his chest any minute now. He smiles back, a little helpless, and then Connor’s moving in, their lips pressed together.

Leon thinks, it’s Connor’s lips against his, and his heart does explode then, a million tiny chunks inside his ribcage, it feels like. He wants to think about other things, too, about the team and how stupid and reckless he was last night, but all of that seems irrelevant, right then. 

+

They shower together, Leon dragging Connor under the spray and kissing there and against the shower wall once that’s warmed up. Connor laughs into it, and he kisses Leon back, nudges his thigh between Leon as they rut against each other, just water slicking the way. 

After, Connor makes breakfast while Leon gets dressed. “Just oatmeal, nothing fancy,” he says and Leon thinks about it for only a moment before kissing him right there next to the stove. 

“Thank you,” Leon says.

They go to sit at the table Leon hardly ever uses, and Leon keeps stealing glances at Connor until he catches Connor looking back. He smiles then, and Connor smiles back, but Leon’s stomach feels heavy with everything that they’re not saying.

“Connor,” he starts, but Connor cuts him off. 

“After practice?” he suggests instead, and Leon thinks that’s probably a good idea. They don't have too much time, now, and even if they did, Leon wouldn't know where to start. He nods, and Connor moves in to kiss him one more time before leaving to go upstairs so he can change. 

+

After practice ends, Connor skates up to Leon and asks him if he wants to have lunch. Leon splutters a little. He knows they have to, because they need to talk about what happened and Connor had said later, but Leon still feels the words weigh heavily on his tongue. “Sure,” he says, and, “pick a place.”

Connor smiles a little like he’s relieved and taps Leon’s shin with his stick. “Italian,” he says, and Leon rolls his eyes because this, at least, is familiar. 

The restaurant is close to the rink, and they take Leon’s car because Connor carpooled with Nursey. Connor comes here often, often enough to know which table he prefers, so Leon follows him there and lets Connor tell him what to order. 

“So,” Connor starts, once the waiter has left with their order. “We should talk.”

Leon’s eyes must widen or something, and he probably sits up straighter, because Connor is quick to backtrack. “I don’t mean - I mean, I want this,” he says, the words coming quick, a little frantic. 

Leon’s traitorous heart does a backflip. He looks at Connor, at his fluffy, post-shower hair, and his long fingers, half-covering his mouth, and wants nothing more than to say yes. He’s not drunk now, though, and suddenly all the reasons why this is a bad idea rear their ugly heads, and Leon has to fumble for the right words. “The team,” he finally says. “They - ”

“It doesn’t - it can be low-key,” Connor says quickly, cutting him off. Leon doesn’t really mind, except for how he feels so close to losing this argument already. Wants to lose it, even. “I mean - we don’t know - it doesn’t have to be serious,” Connor continues, and he’s losing his words, too, it’s not just Leon. 

“Right,” Leon says. Connor looks hopeful, enough so to match Leon’s heart, and Leon hates doing this. “But, Connor, it’s not - what if someone finds out?” he asks, and he has to whisper this part, can’t even bear to say it out loud properly. 

Connor swallows. He matches Leon’s voice and says, too certain, “We can be careful. We can see how this feels and then talk about everything else.”

Leon can feel his resolve withering, years and years of built up defenses crumbling at Connor’s words. It hurts less than it should.

“I just - I like you, Leon,” Connor says. It’s quiet, but Leon still hears it, feels it in the way it makes his stomach tight and so light. “I want to try this,” Connor continues. 

Leon just - he has absolutely nothing to say to that, because here Connor is, so blatantly putting his heart on the line, and Leon never would dream of stomping on that. He knows it’s a bad idea, he knows the only reason no one knows about him is how careful he always is, but at the same time, Connot makes him want to throw all that away. Leon thinks that alone is a bad sign.

He nods anyway, and it’s a shy thing, hesitant and uncertain, but it makes Connor beam so. Worth it.

+

Connor doesn’t stop smiling for the rest of their lunch, and Leon likes that. He likes that this smile is just for him, that he’s the one who put it on Connor’s face. Connor can see it on Leon’s face, too, probably, all of that, because Leon doesn’t bother hiding it.

They talk about hockey, and then they talk about their christmas plans. Connor’s smile dims when Leon tells him he’s spending Christmas away from his family. Leon tells him he’s used to it, but that makes Connor stop smiling altogether until Leon changes the subject to the new Star Wars he wants to go watch. Connor’s face immediately lights up at that, and he tells Leon about how much he loved the movies as a kid.

After, Connor pays the bill and Leon drives them home. They’re in the elevator when Leon’s palms start to sweat, Connor glancing at him every few seconds. They both get off at Leon’s floor, and Connor walks Leon to the door, and Leon isn’t sure when this started to feel like a date but he’s acutely aware of it now. 

“I had a good time,” Connor says then, when they’re outside Leon’s door, and Leon decides this for sure was a date. 

“Me, too,” he says, smiling sort of helplessly, the way he tends to around Connor. 

Connor looks around, a few times, and they’re both so quiet. He leans in, and Leon wants to duck away, wants to look down the hall to check, but Connor already did, and if Connor can do this then Leon should be able to, too. 

Leon lets his eyes flutter shut, and then he feels Connor’s lips on his, soft and chapped and exactly like last night but at the same time completely different. Leon is not drunk today, and neither is Connor, and they both get to be conscious of their actions. 

Leon’s smiling, when Connor pulls back, and it must look stupid, too happy, but he can’t bring himself to care. “Do you - come in?” he asks.

Connor shakes his head. “We should get some sleep before the game,” he says, which is a good point. “I’ll see you,” he says, and Leon nods, too many times, because just the thought that this isn’t the last time they’re doing this makes his stomach curl pleasantly.

+

They go to the movies, a couple of days later to watch Star Wars, and it’s not until they’re in the booth buying tickets that Leon figures this is another date. He feels kind of stupid for missing it but decides to make up for it by buying them popcorn and soda.

They don’t hold hands during the movie, because it isn’t a scary movie and also the theater is full of people, but their fingers brush a few times on the armrest, which Leon supposes will have to do.

Connor is quietly excited once the movie ends, and Leon is all too happy to listen to him. After, Connor drives them home, walks Leon to the door again. Leon opens the door and gets them inside so they can kiss, but Connor pulls away when Leon tries to deepen it. Leon frowns, a little, because it’s not like they haven't made out before. 

“I - Is everything okay?” he can’t help but ask. 

Connor looks uncomfortable. “Yeah,” he says, and it doesn’t sound extremely convincing. 

Leon waits him out. 

“Yeah, it’s just - last time,” Connor starts, after a moment. “We - you were pretty freaked out, the next morning,” he admits. 

Leon’s heart beats very quickly. 

“And I don’t want that to happen again,” Connor finishes.

Leon tries to put everything that he felt that day into words, and comes up short. He thinks, even if he could, now wouldn't be the right time. “It wasn’t about what we did,” he says, finally. 

Connor only gives him a curious look.

“It was - I just didn’t want the team to see,” Leon admits, a little quiet.

Connor is quiet. Then he says, “Okay, I get that.” He smiles, and goes on, “You’re still not getting in these pants though.”

It breaks the tension pretty efficiently, and Leon laughs. Connor chuckles with him, but then he sobers. “I just think we should wait a bit,” he says.

Leon makes of sighing but he smiles. “Okay,” he says, and means,  _ anything for you _ .

+

They decide to wait until after the holidays, and the holidays are tough on their own because Leon is away from his family, but he and Connor text a bunch, which makes up for it at least a little. Connor sends him pictures of his family’s christmas tree, and Leon sends back his own sad little tree. Connor says he loves it. Leon replies that he’s full of shit.

Connor sends him a selfie with his mom when Leon asks him what he’s up to on Christmas morning, and Leon sends back a picture of him in bed, shirtless. He gets three fire emojis back for his trouble, and they make him laugh. 

Leon gets a bit nostalgic when Connor sends him pictures of their Christmas table, but he facetimes his parents and his sister later so that sort of makes up for it. 

He spends Christmas with Adam, though, who also didn’t go home for the holidays, and that’s pretty great. They order takeout and eat in on Adam’s couch, and Adam asks Leon who he’s texting with all the time. 

Leon hedges and says no one, but later he does think about what it would be like to tell Adam, tell the team. The thought makes his stomach twist up uncomfortably, so Leon pushes it to the back of his mind and texts Connor instead, says,  _ i miss you _ .

He gets back,  _ just one more day _ .

+

Leon picks Connor up from the airport on a Tuesday, a snapback pulled low over his eyes as they hug in the arrivals terminal. He lets Connor talk his ear off while they’re in the car, quietly excited about the time with his family, and doesn’t really think about kissing him until they’re in the elevator.

Connor very deliberately presses the button for Leon’s floor and nothing else, and then meets Leon’s eyes, equally intentionally. Leon looks back, mouth going dry, and waits until they’re inside his apartment before turning around and pressing Connor against the nearest wall. 

Connor lets himself be moved. He looks at Leon with heavy, wide eyes, and puts his hands on Leon’s hips. Leon remembers how they danced together and leans in to kiss him, shallow at first and deeper once Connor parts his lips.

“I missed you,” Connor says, the words mumbled against Leon’s lips, and Leon drags his teeth over Connor’s lips for it. He says nothing, and keeps kissing Connor until they’re both breathing hard, Connor’s hips pressing into Leon’s lap.

Leon pulls back then, takes a moment to just look at Connor, at his dark eyes and his red lips; his flushed cheeks. He gets lost in it for a moment, because it's Connor and it’s because of him, and then Connor is reaching out and taking his hand, and Leon’s heart skips a beat. 

He looks down, at Connor’s long fingers weaved through his own, and follows when Connor pulls. Sits on the couch when Connor prompts him to, and then lets Connor straddle him. Leon can feel Connor’s weight on him like this, anchoring, and he can feel where Connor’s getting hard through his jeans, but more than that he can feel how warm Connor is.

“Hi,” Connor says, before he leans down to kiss Leon, and it’s so - it’s sweet, is what it is, and Leon’s heart is beating in his throat because he’s not used to this. Connor kisses him to match his words, soft and not dirty at all, and Leon keeps trying to deepen it, to speed things along.

“Chill,” Connor tells him, and that’s so funny, Leon thinks, that Connor of all people is telling Leon to relax. He kind of wants to laugh, but he can barely get enough air into his lungs to simply breathe, so he just nods.

He moves his hands to Connor’s sweater, starts to strip it off him, but Connor rolls his eyes and shifts away. “Relax,” he says, leaning in to kiss Leon’s cheek. 

Leon’s breath hitches, and he hates that, hates that Connor will probably be able to feel it too. He starts moving his hips to cover it up, and maybe it’s a little desperate, because Connor catches on to that too. 

“Hey,” he says, waiting for Leon to meet his eyes. “We’ll get there, just - ” he tries, and then he’s kissing Leon again, just his lips moving against Leon’s, and Leon - he’s not used to this either. He’s not used to taking his time with this, certainly not used to having someone kiss his cheek while they’re doing this. 

Connor moves to kiss the corner of his mouth, gently rocking into Leon’s lap as he goes, and it figures that he’d rock Leon’s world like this too. His hands itch to do something, to make this go faster, and his toes curl in his shoes. It feels like Leon’s entire body is vibrating with wanting to move. 

Then Connor reaches for his wrists, takes both of them into his hand and holds them between their stomachs, and Leon goes lax like his strings have been cut. He takes a breath and figures they have all the time in the world, today, parts his lips and lets himself be kissed because this is Connor. 

“There you go,” Connor says, and he sounds so pleased, encouraging. It makes the knot in Leon’s chest loosen, makes him breathe a little easier.

Connor moves against Leon, slow, and Leon is hard now, straining to get closer but also not, because this feels like enough, just being close to Connor in this way. Maybe Connor has the same idea, because he doesn’t speed up at all, not even when his hips start to shake, his lips lax against Leon’s. 

“Connor,” Leon says, because he’s close, too. All the friction is getting to him, all the being close to Connor is getting to him. He presses up against Connor and Connor lets him this time, and they end up grinding together, slow and hard. 

Leon can feel it build and build inside him, can feel heat pooling in his gut until it finally boils over and he comes, jerking harshly against Connor, his wrists flexing against Connor’s grip. Connor keeps moving against him, uneven now until he’s coming too, pressing down against Leon. 

Leon expects things to be awkward after, because that’s what usually happens, but he thinks he should have known better in this aspect, too. Connor just clears his throat and asks, a little uncertainly, “How was that?” and Leon doesn’t want to admit out loud that maybe he’s been going about this the wrong way for so long so he surges up and kisses Connor instead, hoping he can show with that all that he can’t say with words.

+

They shower separately this time because one of them has to order the pizza - that one being Leon - and then they eat it in their underwear on the living room carpet. The TV plays in the background, and Leon eats too many pieces and spends too long looking at Connor, but it’s okay because Connor is right there with him. 

Abruptly, Leon regrets saying nothing before, so he says, “Me, too,” now and waits for Connor to get it. 

Connor is busy trying to not drip cheese all over his chest, but he asks, “You too what?” once he’s managed it.

Leon thinks he’s way too fond of this idiot. “I missed you too,” he says. 

+

They lose on New Year’s Eve but a bunch of the guys head to Connor and Nursey’s after for some drinks. There’s music playing, and they order too much food, and count down with the TV in the background. 

Once the year changes and everyone is busy toasting, Connor grabs Leon’s arm and drags him out to the balcony. It’s freezing out, cold enough that Leon can see his breath, and he’s only wearing a sweater. 

“What are we doing here?” Leon asks, mostly because he’d rather not turn into an icicle before this team makes the playoffs.

Connor just smiles. He walks up to Leon and presses him against the wall. Leon jumps because the wall is fucking cold and the balcony is covered in snow, but then Connor’s lips are on his and he stops paying so much attention to the cold. 

“Happy New Year’s,” Connor whispers into Leon’s ear, and Leon shivers. 

There are fireworks going off in the sky, and it’s too cold, but Leon wouldn't have it any other way. He threads his fingers through Connor’s hair and pulls him back, leans in to kiss him.

“Oh,” someone says then, and Leon can feel it, the moment his body freezes. He opens his eyes, pushes Connor off him and doesn’t check to see the hurt look on his face. 

Leon turns to Adam instead, standing next to the balcony door, and his first thought is that Connor didn’t even lock the door. His second thought is to look away, curl in on himself, and then he just wishes he hadn’t followed Connor out here. Wishes he had stayed inside, wishes he’d never offered Connor his hand weeks ago.

Leon thinks it’s a little funny, how a single moment can make him regret whole weeks. 

“I’ll uh,” Adam is saying, and Leon can’t even focus on it over the ringing in his ears. Connor says something, but Leon can’t make that out either. He wants to be inside, he wants to be away from here, away from Connor.

“I’ll leave you guys to it,” Adam says, finally, and Leon hears that. 

Then Connor is calling Leon’s name, reaching out to touch him, and Leon shrugs it off without meaning to. Leon can’t focus on much right now, but he sees the way Connor flinches, the way he pulls back like he’s been burnt. 

They stand there for a minute, two. Leon’s fingers feel cold, they look grey. “You didn’t lock,” he says, and he means it to be a question but it’s just an accusation instead.

“Leon, I - the lock glitches, I swear - ” Connor tries, the words sticking together. “I turned it, I swear,” he says. 

Len tries to hear him, he does, but all he can think is how regretful he feels, so he says, “I have to go,” before he has a chance to say more.

+

Leon locks the door behind him and leans against it, his heart thumping in his chest. He thinks about Adam, what he must think. Thinks about Connor, how he didn’t even lock the door. Thinks about himself, how he was stupid enough to follow Connor outside.

He thinks about how right tonight had felt and wishes Adam hadn’t walked in on them. Wishes he was better equipped to deal with it.

Leon goes to bed and doesn’t sleep.

+

Leon wakes up at some point, so he figures he must have gotten some sleep in after all. The first thing he does is check his phone because he think he heard it vibrate, and then his mouth goes dry because there are two missed calls from Adam, so many messages from Connor. 

Leon sighs and closes his eyes. He gets out of bed later, a lot later, and takes a shower, too hot. It takes him so long to look at his phone again, to read Connor’s texts. 

_ i swear i locked the door Leon, _

_ please don’t do this, _

_ i’m sorry; _

are the ones that stick out. Leons thinks about them, and decides he doesn’t give a shit about the goddamn door. He’s suddenly angry, angry that he puts so much stock into other people. Leon wants Connor, he likes Connor, and he’s barely had this for a month, he’s not ready to let go of it.

Leon calls Adam. He tries to sound casual, probably misses by a mile, and then drives by his house. Adam tries to ease into it, says, “It was fun last night,” and Leon, instead of answering, cuts straight to the chase.

“Connor and I are together,” he says, and it’s - that’s the first time he’s admitting it out loud. It should be monumental, he thinks, but it just feels like pieces falling into place. 

Adam looks surprised for a moment before he doesn’t. “I figured,” he says. “From last night and all.” He smiles a little and, weirdly enough, that’s what makes Leon run out of steam. 

“Oh,” he says. 

There’s silence, and then Adam speaks up. “Listen, I won’t - I won’t say anything, obviously,” he says. “Not many people know?”

Leon shakes his head. “No one knows,” he says.

“Then I definitely won’t say something,” Adam says. “How long - ”

“About a month,” Leon cuts him off. 

Adam nods. “Cool,” he says, and Leon laughs. Adam joins him. Then he says, “I didn’t know you were…” 

Leon shrugs, awkward. “Not many people do,” he says. He thinks he should add something, something to clear things up further, but he’s got nothing.

Adam asks, “I was about to order lunch, if you want?” and Leon lets out a breath, because he didn’t even have to say anything. 

He shakes his head. “I should - I need to talk to Connor,” he says.

Adam looks at him for a moment, and it looks like he’s about to say something. Finally, he blurts out, “I’m happy you told me, or - I don’t know. I’m happy I know.”

Leon's breath cuts out for a moment. He feels abruptly stupid and has to squash it down. “Me, too,” he says, and it's only half a lie.

+

After talking to Adam, Leon goes home. He tries to watch some TV, but his mind keeps wandering, wandering to Connor, so that’s not working. He thinks about how Connor had flinched, moved away from him. Thinks about how Leon had  _ pushed  _ Connor, and Leon never wanted to be that guy, not to Connor and not to anyone. 

Then Leon thinks about the immobilizing sort of fear he had felt when he saw Adam, and how much better he’d felt when he was alone, away from the guys and Adam and Connor. Leon doesn’t know what to do with that. He thinks it’d be easy to do nothing, just let this drift out of reach.

Leon remembers kissing Connor though, remembers all the time they spent together and how Connor had told him to slow down, to chill. Leon remembers the fear he’d felt when Adam walked in on them and tries to multiply it by twenty, and can hardly breathe around it. 

But he can hardly breathe around Connor, too. 

+

“Is Connor here?” Nursey opens the door, and Leon doesn’t want to be rude, but he's kind of itching for it, now that he’s made a decision. 

“I’m not good enough for you?” Nursey jokes. “In his room,” he goes on, when Leon doesn’t laugh. “I haven’t been able to get him to say two words to me all day, so. Take your shot.”

Leon doesn't think that’s a particularly good sign, but he’s armed with a bag of licorice and also an apology, and he hopes those two will be enough. “Will do,” he says. 

Leon makes his way to Connor’s room and knocks on the door. There’s no answer, so he knocks again, says, “It’s me,” softly, just loud enough for it to carry through. 

He has to wait a moment, and then Connor’s pulling the door open. He meets Leon’s eyes for a second and then looks away, to the floor. 

Connor has been doing all the heavy lifting up to this point, Leon thinks; he’s okay doing the rest. “Hey,” he says. “Can I come in?”

Connor doesn't say anything but he does step aside, letting Leon in. He shuts the door behind Leon and locks it, the click deliberate in Leon’s ears. Leon waits for Connor to turn around and hands the licorice over. 

“For me?” Connor asks, and Leon hates how surprised he sounds, how quiet. 

“Yeah,” he says easily. He goes to sit on the bed and waits for Connor to join him. Gets to see Connor’s face light up, just a little, when he gets a look inside the bag. 

“Thanks,” he says, and, “it’s my favorite.”

“I know,” Leon says. He’s heard Connor mention it before, and Leon doesn't easily forget the things Connor says. 

They’re both quiet for a few seconds, stilted, and then Leon speaks up. “I’m sorry,” he says, and the words aren't even hard to get out, not when this is about the two of them. 

Connor turns to look at him with wide eyes. “What for?” he asks, very carefully. 

“I - I reacted badly,” Leon admits, and that part is harder to get out. “I went off on you, I shouldn't have.”

“I really did try to lock the door,” Connor just says, and it tears Leon up inside, a little, that Connor probably sat here all day and thought about that. 

“I don’t care about the lock,” he says, a little louder but not with frustration. Leon thinks about what to say next to make Connor understand, and comes up short. The only thing that comes to mind is not easy to talk about, and Leon isn’t sure if this is the right time for it. 

But Leon doesn’t think there’ll be a next time, if they don’t get over this. He says, “It’s just Kim,”

Connor frowns. “Hm?”

Leon takes a breath, looks down at the carpet. “It’s only my sister, she’s the only one who knows,” he explains. When he looks up again, Connor is watching him, but it’s more like he understands now. 

“Your parents?” he asks, and he sounds careful, Leon thinks. He shakes his head, just a bit. Connor breathes. “I get that. It’s - Cam was the first person I told, so,” he says. He huffs out a laugh. “I asked him to tell mom and dad.”

Leon is a little bit surprised by that. “When Larss - you were just so calm,” he says, because this part has been eating at him since last night.

Connor shrugs. Leon thinks he moves a little closer, because their shoulders touch, now. “I was out in Erie, to some of the guys anyway,” he says. 

Leon looks at him. He thinks about that being him, and just - can’t. “I didn’t know that,” he says.

Connor hesitates. “I guess, when Larss came through that door, it was different for me than it was for you,” he says, and he is extremely careful now. Leon kind of hates how much he’s relieved by it.

“He won’t tell anyone,” he says.

“Okay,” Connor says. 

Leon thinks about everything, and there’s something that sticks out, something that he itches to know. “Did you ever - with someone from Erie?” he asks. When Connor doesn’t answer right away, Leon’s quick to backtrack. “You don’t have to tell me, it’s none of my business, I - ”

“I want it to be your business,” Connor cuts him off. He puts a hand on Leon’s knee, stills the jiggling motion. 

“Oh,” Leon says, and his stomach flutters, the same way it had that night back at the bar.

Connor smiles, a small thing. “I - I have a strict no teammates rule,” he says. Then he seems to think better of it, and amends, “Had, I guess.”

Leon - that makes him quietly pleased, he thinks. His stomach, still so light, curls happily, and his cheeks flush. He says, “You’ve broken my rules, too,” because he used to have to so many  of them, when it came to this. 

Leon meant it as a good thing, but Connor's smile dims. “That’s a good thing, right?”

Leon reaches up and curves his hand over Connor’s cheek, feels Connor’s stubble against his palm. “It is,” he says, and leans in, Connor meeting him halfway.

They kiss, and then they’re lying down, Connor on top of Leon, his weight pressing Leon to the mattress. Leon lets his hands roam, over Connor’s back, his waist and lower. He spreads his legs and wraps them around Connor’s hips, and Connor runs his hands through Leon’s hair and kisses him.

Leon clings maybe a little too tightly, his fingers pressing into Connor’s muscles, but he doesn’t think Connor minds. He makes encouraging sounds into Leon’s mouth and moves against him, slow but insistent. He doesn’t tell Leon to slow down, but Leon is not in a hurry anyway. 

They lose their clothes, at some point, and then it’s just them, naked and nothing between them. They’re both so quiet, but then Connor wraps his hand around both of them and Leon can’t help the choked off noise that leaves his lips. 

“Jesus,” Connor breathes, and moves to kiss Leon’s jaw and his throat, the place where Leon’s beard ends. 

Leon arches into it, his neck and his body too, and lets Connor move his hand between them until he’s coming and then some, until Connor is, too. Connor lies on top of Leon after, and Leon lets his hands wander again, strokes over Connor’s back. He scratches a little as he goes, and Connor shivers, muscles shifting under Leon’s fingers.

It’s getting late, but Leon has to leave anyway; it’d probably look suspicious to Nursey if no one else if he stayed, and Leon doesn’t want to attract more attention to what Connor and him have going.

Connor brings him some baby wipes to clean up and then watches him get dressed, and Leon knows what he looks like, on a regular day, but he’s never as aware of it as he is when Connor looks at him. 

“How do I look?” he asks when he’s all done. 

Connor crosses the room to kiss him, which Leon supposes is answer enough. “I wish you could stay,” he says, quiet, and Leon gets that, is already there. 

“Me too,” he admits. “Next time?” he tries, and it’s a little shy, a little uncertain of where they stand now. 

“Next time,” Connor says, with a sort of certainly Leon envies. 

+

Next time is after their road trip, and Connor asks Leon what excuse he should give Nursey.

Leon shrugs and doesn’t really think about it. “Just tell him you’re staying at your girl’s house,” he says. 

Connor grins. “You’re my girl?” he asks, teasing. 

Leon doesn’t mean to, but he flushes anyway, this red, hot thing that spreads from his cheeks to his ears and then the rest of his face, it feels like. “I’m close enough, I guess,” he says. 

Connor laughs, but Leon thinks that’s the excuse he gives to Nursey, anyway. 

They order takeout, when Connor makes it downstairs, because they’re both too lazy to cook. Eat it with their feet propped up on the coffee table and a movie playing in the background, half leaning into each other. 

Once they’ve eaten, they give up and curl into each other completely, Leon’s head on Connor’s shoulder and Connor’s arm curved over him, and Leon never thought he would have this but he’s glad for it, can push everything else to the backburner while he focuses on Connor and how steady his breathing is.

After the move ends, they head to bed. They don’t try anything, and Leon wants to be disappointed by that, wants to think it’s a waste of time and opportunity, but he can't, not when he gets to sleep next to Connor.

They fall asleep fitted against each other and wake up the same way, Leon curled around Connor and his arm thrown over Connor’s waist. Leon can feel Connor breathe, can feel how he’s awake, and he kisses the back of his neck, once.

“Good morning,” he says, voice rough with sleep. 

Connor rolls over, smiling, and kisses Leon on the lips. “It is,” he says, and Leon wants to duck his face in a bucket of cold water so he can wake up for real but also never wake up.

They kiss, and then Leon rolls on top of Connor, makes a space for himself between Connor’s legs. Connor arches into him, hands gripping Leon’s arms. Leon rocks against him, and Connor’s breath hitches, his hips stuttering under Leon.

Leon keeps doing it because he loves Connor’s reactions, the way his body twitches and his lips part every few seconds. He pulls back to kiss Connor’s jaw and down his chest, his stomach. He lingers on Connor’s abs because he thinks they’re hot and then drags Connor’s briefs down his legs. 

“Leon,” Connor says, a breath, and Leon looks up, finds Connor propped up on his elbows.

Leon smiles and takes Connor’s dick into his mouth, sucks a little on the head before taking him down further. Connor’s thighs quiver under Leon’s arms, and when Leon takes his weight off them Connor spreads his legs, arches up into Leon. 

Leon pulls off and kisses Connor’s thigh, his knee, once. He puts his fingers in his mouth and gets them wet, moves them between Connor’s cheeks. Leon closes his lips around Connor’s dick again and rubs his fingers over his rim, and Connor is so loud, suddenly, shivering all over. 

Leon feels fingers comb through his hair and he looks up, meets Connor’s eyes. Connor is half gone, face flushed and lips parted, but he says, “Fuck me,” and Leon almost chokes on his own spit. 

He pulls off, takes a breath, because he’s never done that before. He’s nervous and maybe some of that shows on his face, because Connor is quick to add, “Or not, if you don’t want to.” His voice is rough, and Leon made it that way.

“I do, it’s just - ” Leon cuts himself off, because it’s a little embarrassing to admit this, that he's 21 and has never done  _ this _ . 

Connor keeps running his fingers through Leon’s hair though, and he’s looking down at him like they have all the time in world even though he’s so hard that he must ache with it. That’s Connor though, it’s just the way he is. 

“I’ve never, not with a guy,” Leon says, “Not like this,” and hopes that covers it, because he doesn't think he can go into any more detail.

Connor, for a moment, looks so surprised. Then it’s wiped from his face and he just smiles, a tiny thing. “That’s okay,” he says. He seems to think about it for a moment and says, “You could -  my thighs instead?”

Leon lets out a breath, because he hadn’t even realized how not ready he was for this until Connor suggested the alternative. He tries not to let any of that show because it's his own problem, not Connor’s, and maybe he succeeds and maybe not, but Connor’s fingers remain gentle in his hair, and his thighs strong under Leon.

“I - yeah, that sounds - ” Leon tries, then laughs at his own words. “Yeah,” he manages, finally, and then Connor is pulling him up, kissing him deep and slow. 

They kiss until Leon stops holding himself quite so tightly, and then Connor’s pushing Leon’s boxers off and wrapping a hand around him. Leon chokes on his breath, chokes again when Connor starts jerking him off, and he doesn't realize how close he is until he has to stop Connor. 

“You should - ” he says, tight. “If you still - ”

Connor lets him go, and he whistles when Leon stretches across the bed to reach the end table. Leon rolls his eyes but flushes anyway, and then Connor kisses him again when Leon comes back with the lube.

They keep kissing, and then they lie down and Connor takes the lube from Leon’s hands, coats Leon’s dick with it. Leon hisses because that’s a lot, but Connor kisses him again and rolls over, onto his side. 

Leon shifts until he’s lying behind him, and he settles his hand on Connor’s hip, pushes his other arm between Connor’s neck and the bed. Connor turns his head to look at him, and Leon takes the opportunity to kiss him again and again, until he’s sure Connor's neck must ache with how it’s bent.

Connor’s hand reaches between them, guides Leon’s dick between his thighs, and then Leon has to squeeze his eyes shut because that’s - it’s a lot. It’s a lot of pressure, and a lot of heat, and if this is what Connor’s thighs feel like then Leon doesn’t even want to think about his ass. 

“You should,” Connor prompts, so Leon starts moving, slow at first and then a little faster. 

Connor keeps flexing his muscles, making everything tighter, and Leon keeps losing his breath, fingers digging into Connor’s side. Leon thinks he’s going to come too soon, because Connor is so warm, and so tight, and he keeps shaking when Leon's dick catches on his hole, and that’s so hot. 

Leon sees Connor’s arm moving, at some point, and he moves his hand and takes over, starts jerking Connor off quick and uneven and as best as he can. “Connor,” he keeps saying, and, “Come on,” because he wants Connor to get there before him. 

In the end, it doesn’t happen quite like that, but it feels so good, and Leon will take it. He spills between Connor’s thighs, and then his hand goes tight around Connor and he comes too, shaking against Leon. 

Connor rolls over until they’re facing each other, after, leans in to kiss Leon again. Leon kisses him back and thinks, not for the first time, how he never thought he’d have this, how happy he is that he does. 

+

It’s easy, to settle into a routine after that. They don’t spend too much time together on the road - Leon is a bit too paranoid for that - but the days they’re at home they’re mostly together.

Connor spends more nights than not at Leon’s, and Leon tries very hard not to think about what Nursey might have to say to that. Really, he tries very hard not to think about what anyone would have to say to that. 

Most days Leon is successful, but not today, apparently. He keeps thinking about Adam knowing and no one else, and it’s not as if Leon talks about this with Adam but maybe Connor would like the opportunity to talk about this with someone. 

Leon mulls it over for quite a while in his head, but he and Connor have been doing this for a bit over two months already. Leon thinks now is a good enough time for this, has to be. 

Leon waits until they’ve gone to bed to bring it up, because the light is off and Leon can feel the warmth seeping through Connor’s body, and it feels right. He says, “I was thinking,” and waits for Connor to make a prompting noise.

“What does Nursey think?” Leon asks, careful. 

Connor breathes. “What does he think about what?”

“I mean - where does he think you spend all these nights?” Leon asks, and it’s a bit difficult, to get the words out, because it feels like he’s sabotaging this, sabotaging Connor and him.

Connor squeezes Leon closer to his chest, like he can tell. “I told him I’m seeing someone,” he says.

“Does he not ask you about that?” Leon presses but not too hard. 

Leon can feel Connor’s shrug behind him. “Sometimes,” he says. “Mostly I tell him I want to keep it on the down-low. He gets that.”

“Oh,” Leon says. He swallows, reaches down to his stomach and takes Connor’s hand, links their fingers together. He asks, quietly, “Do  _ you  _ get it?” 

When Connor says nothing, Leon goes on, “I mean - you must want to tell someone.”

Connor remains silent. Leon thinks he’s just not going to say anything and they’ll have to pretend this conversation never happened but Connor’s not like that. “I want to be with you more,” he says. “And if - if that’s - if this is how you want it then that’s it.”

And that - it makes Leon feel happy and sad at the same time, makes him want to stay here and rip himself away. “You should tell him,” he says, the words heavy on his tongue. “You should tell Nursey.”

Connor squeezes him again, tighter this time. “Are you sure?” he asks, but there’s something in his voice, nervous energy. 

“Yeah,” Leon says. He feels lighter now that it’s off his chest, now that Connor will get to have this. 

“Okay,” Connor nods. He kisses the back of Leon’s neck, twice. “Do you want to tell someone?”

Leon’s thought about this, and Kim already knows some of it but not all, and Leon mostly has no idea how to do it. “Maybe,” he says. “Not yet though.”

Connor kisses the back of Leon’s neck, tightens his arm around him, and they go to sleep like that.

+

They win 5-2 against Arizona the next night and after, Connor and Nursey head off on their own. Connor texts Leon that he’ll let him know how it goes, but Leon is too nervous to go out with the guys anyway. 

He heads home instead and puts on a movie from Netflix, something he’s never watched before. He can’t pay much attention, too tuned in to the door, to his phone, and then when it finally vibrates Leon jumps off the couch. 

Connor’s just sent a thumbs up emoji and Leon doesn’t even know what he’s supposed to do with that. He sends back three question marks and gets,  _ on my way _ , so he waits and waits and waits, until twenty minutes later there’s a knock on his door.

It’s Connor on the other side, and they look at each other for a moment before he steps inside. “It went well,” he says to Leon, once the door is shut. 

“Well,” Leon repeats, a little stupid with it. 

Connor smiles. He shrugs off his coat and unwraps his scarf, takes off his gloves. “He said he was happy I told him,” he says. He toes off his shoes, doesn’t look away from Leon. “Said he’s happy for us,” he goes on, and the words go and stuff themselves in Leon’s ears.

“Oh,” he says, and it’s hard to hear his own voice. He doesn’t want to admit he’s surprised because that’s kind of mean, but he is anyway. 

Connor reaches out and takes Leon’s hand, leads him down the hall to the bedroom. He shuts off the lights and turns off the TV as they go, and then flicks on everything in the bedroom. It’s too bright like this, Leon thinks, but he doesn't protest when Connors starts to peel Leon’s shirt off.

Leon doesn’t protest when Connor moves to his pants either, or when he starts undressing himself. He just watches, watches the familiar slopes and ridges of Connor’s body, the way his muscles shift as he moves. 

He lets Connor straddle him once they’re both naked, and wraps his arms around Connor’s waist, holds him close. They kiss for the longest time, and then Connor stands up, grabs the lube and hands it over to Leon. 

“If you want to,” he says, and Leon does, he does so much. 

He has Connor lie back on the bed and moves between his legs. Kisses him as he slicks up his fingers and kisses him more as he moves them over Connor’s rim. He’s a little clumsy, definitely unpracticed, as he opens Connor up, but Connor doesn’t seem to mind. 

He murmurs quiet encouragement to Leon and bends his leg at the knee, lets it fall to the side so Leon has more room to move. Leon kisses his bent knee, and works three fingers into him, watching Connor the entire time. 

Connor presses into it, stroking himself off at the same time, and then Leon curls his fingers a bit and Connor lets go of his dick, grips the sheets instead.  “Fuck, Leon,” he gets out, and it’s tight. 

“Okay?” Leon asks, even though he’s pretty sure it’s more than. 

Connor laughs - or he tries to. He nudges Leon’s side with his leg and tells him to get on with it, so Leon does. When Leon finally pushes in, Connor makes this noise, like his breath completely cuts out for a moment. Leon stills, his hips shaking with it, and leans down to kiss him, feels Connor start to breathe against against his lips. 

“Keep going,” he tells Leon, and Leon asks, “Yeah?” and starts moving again, stuttered and slow.

It takes Leon a couple of minutes, to get the angle right, Connor shifting under him the whole time, but then they get it and Connor moans, and Leon’s pretty sure this is the loudest he’s ever heard Connor get. He likes it, he thinks, and leans down to kiss his throat, feels the way it vibrates with the sounds Connor’s making. 

“Connor,” Leon says, and Connor lets his legs spread farther, arches up to meet Leon’s thrusts. Leon reaches down between them and gets a hand around Connor’s dick, starts jerking him off quick and tight, the way Connor likes it. 

When Connor comes, he grows so tight around Leon that Leon forgets to breathe for a moment. When he finally gets oxygen in his lungs again, he asks, “Can I - ” and Connor cuts him off, says, “Go for it,” so Leon keeps going, fucks Connor deep and not even at all until he comes, too.

They shower together after, and Connor presses Leon up against the shower wall and kisses him until the water stops burning. “Was it okay?” Leon can’t help but ask later, when they’re lying in bed.

Connor turns to look at him, all frowny the way he gets sometimes. “Did I like look like I wasn’t enjoying myself?” he asks. 

He’s kidding, but Leon’s only gotten fucked once before and it wasn't great, so he just wanted to make sure. 

Connor, like he can read this in Leon’s silence, even in the dark, reaches down and links their fingers together. “It was great,” he says quiety.

Leon - he beams on the inside, he’s pretty sure. He thinks, Nursey knows, and he and Connor are doing well, and that’s more than Leon could ask for on a regular day. 

+

Leon gets complacent, he thinks. The team is winning, and he and Connor are doing well, and it’s easy to get lost in that. That’s why he’s so surprised when his dad brings up visiting. His dad says, “I was thinking about maybe spending a few months there with you,” and Leon feels his stomach drop and rise to his throat at the same time. 

“Uhm,” he says, stalling, because his first thought is Connor. His second thought is his dad’s face when he’d caught Leon when he was sixteen making out with Noah, the look on his dad’s face that had made Leon ask Noah to  _ please leave _ .

“Leon?” his dad asks, and Leon’s third thought is that he can’t say no. 

“Sure,” he says, voice tight and too quiet. “When were you thinking?”

After they hang up, Leon keeps thinking about his dad pulling him aside after Noah had left, sighing and asking Leon what all that was about. It was just a few weeks before leon was set to leave for Prince Albert, and he was nervous, just sixteen. 

Leon had said, “Nothing,” and let his dad call this a  _ phase _ . Believed it, too, for some time, until it he accepted that it wasn’t going to go away. He’d never told his dad, mostly because there was nothing to tell. Leon never dated anyone, only hooked up with people who didn’t know he was.

Leon wants to think it’s different now - he has Connor - but his dad still thinks Leon was just going through a phase, and Leon doesn’t know how to undo that.

+

Leon backs out of his date with Connor that night, and he avoids him the next day at practice, leaves before Connor is even done showering. After, Connor texts him, a couple of emojis first, a question mark. Then nothing for a few hours and later that night a,  _ did i do something?  _

That’s what breaks Leon’s resolve, really, the thought that Connor is blaming himself for this. He sends back,  _ no _ , and, _ just working through some stuff _ . He knows it vague and not helpful in the least, but Connor still sends,  _ let me know if i can help _ , followed by three sparkly, pink hearts. 

Leon doesn’t think Connor deserves this.  _ will do _ , he sends back.

+

The next day is practice and a game, and Connor is too tuned in to hockey to deal with Leon. Leon thought he’d like that but he hates it. Hates that his dad is coming in a week and Leon has chosen to spend these days not talking to Connor. 

Leon waits for Connor after the game, a win, and gets a smile for it. Connor walks up to him, slow and happy, and asks, “Okay?”

And Leon isn’t. He keeps thinking about his dad. He knows his dad is wrong, he knows this isn’t a phase, and Leon’s past wishing it could be for him, but being near Connor brings everything back. “Yeah,” he lies. “Do you - do you have plans?”

Connor’s eyes are fixed on Leon’s lips, then his eyes. “Just give me a sec to let the guys know,” he says. 

He ducks back into the locker room and there’s some murmuring, and then Leon catches, “Off to your mystery girl again?” from someone. At first he smiles, but then he thinks about it better and feels kind of sad, because he's not a girl but he’s still a mystery, to their friends, and Leon doesn’t have a problem with that but Connor does, probably.

Connor comes out a few seconds later, before Leon can get too deep into thought. He slings an arm over Leon’s shoulders and Leon doesn’t mean to flinch and he doesn’t but he wants to. He settles for looking over his shoulder instead, and there’s no one watching them but Leon still feels mildly unsettled. 

It doesn’t feel like he relaxes until they’re in his apartment, ties off and kissing, too harsh. They make it to the bedroom too quickly, their clothes a trail on the floor leading to them, and then Connor is on his back and Leon is on top of him, his hands pinning Connor’s wrist to the mattress. 

Leon’s hold isn’t particularly strong, but Connor doesn’t try to get away. He presses into Leon instead, again and again, rocks into him when Leon initiates it, and breathes into Leon’s mouth as they both come down from it. 

Leon climbs off Connor, after, to lie on the bed next to him. Leon is looking at the ceiling, but he can feel Connor's eyes on him, watchful. He says, “My dad’s coming to visit,” and lets the words hang heavy in the air between them.

“Is that what this is about?” Connor asks gently. His hand reaches over the bed to take Leon’s, and Connor’s fingers feel so steadying. Then Connor asks, “Are you nervous about telling him?” and Leon’s breath dies in his throat, his heart shrivelling, it feels like.

“I can’t,” he says, the words thick. 

Leon’s not sure what he’s expecting, but Connor just squeezes his fingers. “Why not?” he asks, and his voice is the same as before, just - soft.

Leon shrugs. His eyes pinch. “He won’t take it well,” he just says, and hopes Connor is going to drop it. 

Connor does. “Okay,” he says. “There’s no pressure,” he continues, and Leon wants to hate it, how supportive he is. 

He also wants to tell Connor the truth, now more than ever, but at the same time - he just doesn’t know how to. “Okay,” he says, to patch things up. “I just - we can’t be - not when he’s around,” he clarifies.

“Oh,” Connor says, and this is the first time he sounds even a bit off balance. “That’s - ” he starts, but nothing comes after it.

Leon winces. He squeezes down on Connor’s fingers. “I’m sorry,” he says, and he means for being a coward. 

Connor rolls over onto his side, facing Leon. “We’ll figure it out,” he says, so sure, and Leon kisses him to get him to stop.

+

Leon and his dad are close, and Leon tells him everything, pretty much, except this one thing. It didn’t use to be that big of a deal, but then Connor came along, and Leon is caught off guard when his dad asks him how he’s been and all Leon wants to talk about is Connor. 

Obviously, Leon doesn’t. He talks about the team instead, how they're finally good this year, how well the guys are gelling. He does mention Connor a couple of times but that’s about it, and then his dad asks him if there’s anyone special in his life. “A girl,” he says, like Leon couldn't tell. 

He says, “No,” and tries to smile around it. “I’ve been busy, you know,” he lies.

His dad nods like he gets that, and then Leon tells him to try and get some sleep to recover from the jet lag. Leon heads off to bed, too, checks his phone before he gets under the covers. There’s a text asking how his dad’s trip was, and Leon doesn't answer.

+

Connor doesn’t mention it, the next morning, but he asks Leon if he wants to grab lunch. “The italian place,” he says, and Leon shakes his head. 

“Sorry,” he says. “I have plans with my dad.”

Connor’s face falls for a second before he seems to catch himself and schools it into careful neutrality instead, and Leon is glad, at least, that he doesn’t get to see too much of Connor’s disappointment. 

+

Connor said they’d figure it out, but the more he tries the more Leon avoids him. It’s not purposeful, Leon just can’t deal with that right now. His dad is here, and that takes up most of Leon’s time, not just physically but mentally, too. Leon keeps thinking he’ll let the wrong thing slip about Connor, or he’lll hang out with him too much, and then his dad will just know, and Leon doesn’t want that.

Tings between Connor and him aren’t even that bad though, at least not until the playoffs start. Connor’s parents come to visit then, and that’s when it all goes wrong.

Connor corners Leon after practice right before Leon leaves, and Leon already knows what this is about. He tries to get out of it but Connor is pretty insistent, and Leon figures this is the least he can do after weeks of avoiding him. 

“My parents are here,” Connor starts. He looks awkward, hands shoved in his pockets and looking at the ground, and Leon hates that. He doesn't do anything to change it.

“I heard,” he says. 

“Right.” Connor nods. “I wanted - I wanted to ask you, would you be alright with me telling them?” he asks, voice wavering and not confident at all, and Leon hates this, too, how Connor's come to tiptoe around him. 

Still, Leon’s first instinct is to say something he knows is going to hurt Connor. His second is to play dumb. He does neither, because he - he loves Connor, he thinks. Connor is thoughtful and patient and funny, and Leon loves him. He asks, “Could you wait?” 

“Oh,” Connor says, and he’s surprised, Leon doesn't know why. “I - ”

“Just until after the playoffs,” Leon clarifies. Then, he says, “I don’t want to jinx anything with too many changes, you know,” and it comes out half convincing.

Connor believes it, anyway. He says, “Yeah, sure, sure, I get that,” tripping over himself to agree.

Leon smiles at him and hopes it doesn’t come out tight. He starts counting the days.

+

Connor wants to tell his parents, is the thing, and Leon doesn’t. Leon can’t even bear to tell his sister, who is the most supportive person he knows. He pushed Connor away when Adam saw them, and he regrets Nursey knowing.

There are all these things in Leon’s head, but none of them are probably in Connor’s, and that’s the problem. They don’t match, in this aspect. In this aspect, Leon is holding Connor back, and Leon never wanted that.

Leon thinks about the sort of guy Connor deserves, and it’s not him, he doesn’t think. Connor deserves someone who’s proud of him, who’ll bring him home for Christmas. Who’s not afraid to be seen with him. 

Leon’s not that kind of guy.

+

They win some - win big - but ultimately they lose. Leon doesn’t have time to be with Connor during the playoffs, hardly has time to do anything but sleep and eat and play hockey, and he thinks that’s for the best. 

It makes him eager though, all that pent up energy, when their season finally comes to an end. Makes him tell his dad he’ll be coming home late, maybe not at all for tonight, and his dad hugs him and gets it. 

Leon goes out with the guys, and Connor is there, too. They drink too much, and reminisce about the season, and it’s all a little sad. Leon spends so long glancing at Connor that it reminds him of last year, when Leon liked Connor and Connor had no idea. Now, Leon loves Connor, and he’s not sure if Connor knows. 

The guys who have someone at home leave first, and then it’s just a handful of them that are left. Connor catches Leon’s gaze at some point and Leon nods, and then they head out too. Connor pats everyone on the back and tells them they did good, and that next year will be their year. Connor’s a good captain, Leon thinks. 

They uber back to their building, and it’s not until they’re in the elevator that Leon cracks the silence. “Can we - your place?” he asks, uncertain because they haven't talked about this for so long but Leon wants it, even for one last night.

“Of course,” Connor says easily. Sometimes, Connor makes Leon want to stop worrying about all the things that he can’t control. Most times, Leon doesn’t know if that’s a good thing. 

This time, Leon doesn’t care. He follows Connor into the apartment and then to his room, drinks the water Connor brings him from the kitchen. They undress out of a silent agreement, and then get under the covers, opposite sides of the bed at first and closer as they breathe. 

Leon shifts closer to Connor and closer still, until he can kiss him, feel Connor kiss back. It’s easy after that to let Connor take control and roll them over, until Leon is on his back, and it’s even easier to wrap his legs around Connor and pull him close.

“Hm,” Connor says, when he feels Leon pull him in. He loses his balance, a little, collapses on top of Leon, and Leon’s breath leaves him in a whoosh. 

He surges up to meet Connor’s lips, maybe a little too fast, but Connor doesn’t argue. Leon thought he might, but all the time apart has gotten to him too.

That’s a nice thought, Leon thinks, greedy but nice, and rocks his hips up into Connor, lets Connor grind down against him until they’re both hard. Connor pulls back then, starts kissing Leon’s throat, and Leon can feel his heart beating wherever Connor’s lips touch. 

It’s a lot, and Leon plants his feet on the mattress, jerks when Connor moves a hand between them, pressing down on Leon’s stomach and then lower. He thinks - he  _ wants _ , and he doesn’t know how to put that into words.

“Connor,” he just says, a moan rather than a word, and Connor kisses his chest, his collarbones. He slips his fingers into Leon’s underwear and wraps them around his dick, and Leon whines because that’s not what he wants at all.

“Fuck me,” he says, hardly whispering. Leon flushes as soon as the words are out, this burning hot red that reaches all the way to his ears, and Connor’s hand tightens around his dick.

Connor pulls back to look at him, and his eyes are wide and dark, his lips red. “Yeah?” he asks, starts stroking Leon off again, and Leon’s eyes flutter shut. 

“Yeah,” he breathes, and next he feels Connor pulling away. He opens his eyes and Connor is leaning over the side of the bed, rummaging through the nightstand. He comes back with lube and condoms and a thoughtful look on his face, and Leon says, “Come on,” hoping Connor’s questions don’t make it past his lips. 

Connor seems to think about it for a moment, and then he moves back between Leon’s legs, strokes his hand up Leon’s thigh. He moves down to kiss the spots his hand touched, and then there are fingers rubbing between Leon’s cheeks, over his hole. Leon closes his eyes and feels his thighs start to tremble. 

Maybe Connor does, too, because his fingers still, and he asks, “Have you done this before?”

Leon has, and it wasn’t great, the guy in a rush and Leon too young to know better. He says none of that, settles instead on, “Yes,” and it comes out a little impatient. 

Connor huffs. He keeps moving his slick fingers over Leon’s rim, waiting him out. Leon tries to relax and can’t, not with Connor looking at him like that.

“Did you like it?” he presses, and Leon hates how well Connor knows him sometimes. 

He says, “Make me like it,” and it's just a whisper, but even to Leon’s ears it sounds a bit desperate. 

Connor makes a noise like his breath was just punched out of him, and then he pulls away altogether, gets on his stomach between Leon’s legs. He takes Leon into his mouth, too deep, and slowly works a finger into him, and it’s so intense Leon can barely breathe. 

He presses into Connor’s mouth, and then Connor's pressing in with two fingers, working them into Leon just right, and Leon arches his spine, presses into that, too. He threads his fingers through Connor’s hair and grabs a fistful of it, maybe too tight, and Connor moans around Leon’s dick. 

“Jesus, Connor,” Leon breathes, his whole body shaking when Connor starts to work three fingers into him. The stretch is a lot, but everything is so wet and slippery, and then Connor’s curling his fingers, and Leon is pushing into his mouth again, making too much noise.

“Come on, come on,” he says, when it starts to feel like he might be getting too close. 

Connor pulls off, lips red and slick with spit, his hair a mess, and he looks so good. Leon pulls him up and kisses him, their mouths pressed together, both breathing too heavily. Then Connor’s reaching for the condoms, and Leon lies back, watches as Connor rolls one down his dick. 

He asks, “Okay?” and moves between Leon’s legs again at Leon’s nod. He guides himself to Leon’s hole, and Leon grits his teeth, closes his eyes. He forgets to breathe, but then Connor’s kissing his cheek, his lips, his jaw, and Leon sucks in a breath. 

Connor keeps kissing him for the longest time, until Leon’s breathing normally again, arching into it a little, and then he starts rocking into Leon, pressing and pressing until Leon can feel Connor inside him. 

It’s so different from what Leon remembers. The other time he did this was back in Juniors, and he hadn't even come. The guy hadn’t kissed him at all, and now Leon’s hard and Connor’s lips don’t leave his for a moment. 

Connor keeps working more and more of his dick into Leon, and then he stops, abruptly. He shakes above Leon, pulls out and pushes back in, and Leon chokes on his breath. He clutches at Connor’s arms and feels his own thighs tremble. 

Slowly, Connor moves inside him until he’s fucking Leon for real, slow and not hard at all, swallowing all the noises Leon wants to make. Connor keeps shifting his hips, and Leon gets with the program, arches into it and then gasps because that feels - it feels so good, it has Leon reaching between them to get a hand on his dick, jerking himself off. 

“There you go,” Connor murmurs, fucking Leon harder now, hard enough that Leon feels Connor’s hip bones pressing against his ass. 

“Do you like it?” Connor keeps going, and Leon wants to laugh. He does, and it's wet, because he sure hopes he looks like he’s liking it. 

Connor laughs too, and kisses Leon’s cheekbone. Leon’s breath hitches. He fists a hand in Connor’s hair and tells him to go faster, a little harder and Connor does. He fucks the literal come out of Leon, and then pulls out, when Leon winces, stirps off the condom and comes on Leon’s stomach. 

Connor just looks at Leon after, and Leon thinks he’s a mess, but Connor’s looking at him like he wants to eat him alive. Leon looks back at Connor, at his abs and his arms and his sweaty hair, and gets the feeling.

“How was that?” Connor asks, once they’re lying next to each other. 

Leon huffs. “Do you really need to ask?” he asks. His words are clumsy. Part of him thought that this time would be just as bad as the first time, and then maybe it’d be easier, to break it off with Connor. Leon should have known better.

“I guess not,” Connor says.

They clean up a bit, half heartedly, and then go to bed for real. Lying on the bed next to Connor, Leon gets the sudden urge to apologize. Apologize for all the things he never let Connor know, and also for the way he’s been acting for the past two months. Wants to thank Connor for not turning his back on him.

Leon thinks about all the things they need to talk about, all the things he needs to say, and says nothing. He rolls over onto his side and watches Connor’s profile for a moment, then slowly reaches up and puts his hand on Connor’s breastbone. He lets it rest there once Connor doesn’t shrug it off, and he moves closer, as much as he can, until he can rest his head on Connor's shoulder.

After a minute Connor’s arm comes up around Leon’s shoulders, draws him in. Leon lets out a breath. He can make out Connor’s heartbeat under his ear, can feel the rise and fall of his chest. Leon is sure, if this were another time, maybe a few weeks ago, he’d have another never-would-have-thought about this moment. 

As it is, he drinks it in, selfishly, and lets Connor breathe with him. 

+

Leon wakes up first, the next morning. His first instinct is to flee to make things easier, but he’ll be leaving for Worlds in a few days, and before that he needs to talk to Connor, too, so he stays put. Watches Connor sleep, for a few minutes, and then leans in, selfishly, to kiss his cheek.

Connor’s face scrunches up, a little, his nose wrinkling, and then his eyes flutter open. It takes him a moment, to look Leon’s way, but then he smiles as soon as their eyes meet. Leon feels it like a punch to the gut and smiles back. 

“Hey,” Connor says, voice raspy with sleep.

“Hi,” Leon says, and that much is easy. 

There’s a pause, just the two of them breathing, and then Connor asks, hesitant, “We’re okay?”

Leon - he wants to say so much to that. Wants to say, “We will be,” or, “Absolutely.” He says instead, “I don't think so,” and his voice is suddenly wet, thick, and the words difficult to come. 

It's as if Leon feels Connor freeze next to him. “Leon,” he says, and it’s - it’s pleading, is what it is. Not at all surprised.

Leon sits up. He wraps his arms around his knees and rests his chin on them. He doesn’t look at Connor. “I - We want different things,” he says. 

Connor sits up, too, behind Leon. “What’s that mean?” he asks. 

Leon sighs. “It means, I think this is over,” he says, his voice so, so tight. 

“Leon,” Connor says again, and it’s - it’s frantic, now. He reaches out to put a hand on Leon’s shoulder, and Leon shrugs it off. “What are you - no,” he says. 

“Connor,” Leon starts. He turns to look at Connor, and his eyes are wet, he can feel it. “I can’t,” he just says, and hopes Connor understands. 

Connor doesn’t. “What does that even  _ mean _ , I don’t understand,” he says, and he doesn’t often sound young, but this is one of those times. 

“I - I have to go to Worlds, and - ”

“I can wait,” Connor cuts him off. 

Leon lets out a wet breath. “It’s not - my dad,” he tries. “You parents.”

Connor, like it all clicks into place for him then, reels back. He takes a moment to collect himself and says, “I don’t have to tell them.” He sounds so sure, and Leon wants nothing more than to believe him. 

“You don’t mean that,” he says instead. He sucks in a wet breath and reaches for his clothes, starts putting them on. 

“Leon,” Connor says again, desperate as before. “Just - sit a minute,” he says, but Leon gets up, zips up his slacks.

Leon turns to look at him, and Connor looks so young, in that moment, so desperate, and Leon’s heart breaks in a dozen pieces. “Connor, it’s just better this way,” he says. 

Connor reels back from that, too. He says, “Leon, I - ” and Leon knows what comes next so he cuts him off. 

“Connor, please,” he says. “Don’t.”

Connor flinches like Leon slapped him. Leon thinks his heart is all over Connor’s bedroom floor, by now. He says, “I’m sorry,” and leaves, as quick as he can, half hoping Connor will chase after and half not. 

Connor doesn't.

+

Leon spends too long in the hall outside his apartment trying to get it together. His eyes are still wet, and red once he gets a look at himself in the mirror, and Leon doesn’t want his dad to see him like this. 

When he thinks he can hold a two minute conversation with him without breaking down, he fits the key to the lock and turns. His dad is in the living room, flipping through the channels on the TV. He takes one look at Leon and says, “You’ll get them next year,” softly, and moves in to hug him. 

Leon says, “For sure,” and thinks about Connor, how he did have him this year, how he lost him.

 

**Author's Note:**

> i started writing the sequel to this before is started writing this, and that story is already at 15k and has a happy ending, just a heads up :D
> 
> i know that the oilers were eliminated in anaheim, but i decided to handwave that so.
> 
> i made so much of this up obv but connor does claim that his favorite junk food is licorice? Idk roll with it.


End file.
